Life Without Xander

 6.20

It's now 12 days past my blog deadline...I've done worse but it's been a bit since I've been almost 2 weeks late. Oh well. Unfortunately, it's been a little eventful and I lost some steam. Let's start from the beginning of the month then I'll pick up where I left off last entry. I took the 3rd off to go to a Lumineers concert with Goewey and it turned out to be a great day. I had a lazy morning then we met in Nashua and headed down to Norton to give her the ole tour of my old stomping grounds. Ironically, it was national donut day so Honey Dew Donuts was a must as part of the tour. We grabbed some Thai food truck food at a brewery then headed to the venue to hang out in the parking lot before finding out seats. They put on a great show but getting out of the venue at the end of the night was a pain in the arse. I finally got home around 3 am. Saturday, I did stuffies and a living room workout. Sunday, I originally had plans with Ashley for my birthday but she was sick and had to cancel. We were going to hang at Gusanoz for a bit. Just after noon, I was in the kitchen and I heard a funny noise so I walked into the living room to find Xander had woken up from a nap and had jumped off the couch and one of his front legs was folded underneath him but he was still standing, albeit awkwardly. I tried to pick him up but he was having none of that so I put him down and he walked just into my bedroom. I could tell something was off so I continued to watch him and he proceeded to have a seizure. I dropped to my knees, started crying and called SAVES. I brought him in and waited for them to evaluate him. I was then brought to a room and waited more; finally the doctor came in to chat. Long story short, it was time. His bloodwork was abnormal but there was no smoking gun to explain the seizure activity so she thought there could be cancer. That's all I needed to hear. I took him home for a few hours (Dayna came over to say good-bye) then I took him back around dinner time to cross the rainbow bridge. I got some time with him before and after. The whole day was surreal and I'll be processing for a long time. I miss him so much. Thankfully, Quinn has been very lovey and I'm taking comfort in the fact that he went peacefully in my arms and he is no longer suffering. I went home, made food and went to bed. I woke up Monday and spent most of the day crying. Tuesday was my birthday and my people made it as special as possible for me. My coworkers sent me 2 pints of my favorite ice cream and flowers. Dayna and Cory dragged me out of the house and I spent the afternoon at theirs just chilling. They fed me takeout and cake and ice cream. Wednesday, I did my HOA stuff and felt ok enough to venture out in public so I decided to tackle my internet problem by going to Xfinity. They sent me to Best Buy to purchase a new modem/router combo to replace my ancient ones and after about an hour of set, everything was fixed. Thankfully, all my gadgets connected to the network without any issue. I felt accomplished so I took a bubble bath. Work let me take the whole week off so I decided it was ok to be lazy. Thursday, I got a jar cupcake delivery from Ashley, posted some things for sale and composed the official facebook post about Xander. I spent a lot of time going through all my photos on my old computer; I thought it was going to be hard but I loved looking at 16.5 years worth of Xander pictures. Friday, I took a walk. Saturday, I did some stuffies and a living room workout. Sunday, I did laundry and finished reading a book on my deck. Monday, I went for a walk, picked up my baby's ashes, grabbed some groceries, got my car inspected, meal prepped and cleaned up. 

My week back at work was more helpful than I was anticipating. It was nice to get so much support from my coworkers and my mood was pretty good as my mind was occupied. I'm actually not as destroyed as I had been anticipating all these years. I miss him so much and there's a void without him but I feel like I've been mourning his loss for months now. He wasn't Xander towards the end and I'm relieved I don't have to wonder if he feels like shit. It would also be harder if my house was completely empty but mothering another kitty has been so helpful. I don't want her to be alone so my goal is to adopt in the fall. Taking the time to mourn and bond with Quinn this summer sounds like a good plan to me. Another really good thing about last week was that my manager was able to (easily, I might add) get all my music off my old iphone and on to my new one. Absolutely priceless. I cannot thank him enough. I knew there had to be a solution, I just had to find the right person. It feels like such a sad burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I love that feeling...and I used that feeling to coast into the weekend. Saturday, I did stuffies and headed to Emilee's for a few hours; she had a little party for Logan's 8th grade graduation. It was nice to catch up with her (so much drama) and Jesse. I grabbed a few things from Leo's before heading home to pick up my 5 Guys order, shower and call it a night. Yesterday, Ashley and I resolved our argument (long story so no need to get into it as it's well documented elsewhere), I grocery shopped (first farm stand strawberries of the season!), and did a laterplay Barre class. Today, I meal-prepped, cleaned up, went for a walk, painted my nails and started this entry. I'm going to call it a night because I'm starving and need to take my dinner out of the oven. I'm on call tomorrow night so hopefully I can finish this before it drags out too long. I'm finding that slow and steady really wins the race.

6.21

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on call and I still don’t care for it. I almost gave it away but the amount of money I’ve spent at the vet this past year kept me from doing it. Plus, I otherwise wasn’t going to finish this entry because, let’s be honest, I’m going to spend the night tossing and turning. But I digress. Ok, where was I. Right, going back to the second weekend in May. Friday the 13th proved to be a regular day until I got into bed that night and my iphone 8 finally decided to die (I thought so at the time but Dave Phillips, but not Best Buy, was able to turn it back on the next week). Saturday, I did some stuffies then spent the rest of the day upgrading to an iphone 13 pro and switching my carrier to xfinity. Everything went ok except most of my music failed to transfer because Apple sucks (see resolution above). I guess their formats have changed throughout the years so most of my songs were not recognized. Sunday, I did laundry, grocery shopping, meal prep, a living room workout and took a bubble bath. Monday, I did a pile of dishes, cleaned my bathroom, had an eye appointment, went to Windsor, and did a workout. 

The following Saturday, I went to an appointment in Newbury, did a pile of dishes, and vacuumed the house. Sunday, I did some laundry, ran some errands, did a laterplay barre class. I attempted to set up what I thought would be a straightforward pet cam (Blink) but it was having a hard time with my wifi password which prompted me to troubleshoot my router. I ended up having to reinstall the router on my old laptop with the original CD so when all was said and done, my wifi had a different password and because of the password change, my video doorbell and chromecast could not access it. After all that, pet cam still didn’t like it. I wanted to cry. Monday, I worked so I had Tuesday off. I slept in, finished setting up the pet cam, cleaned the kitty’s potty room, took a walk and had a visit from Shley before she spent the night at APD for another sleep study. I thought I fixed my chromecast to connect to wifi but it worked once then stopped working. Turns out, I just needed a new modem/router (see above). 

The following weekend, I failed to take notes but I do know I went to a BBQ at Dayna and Cory’s on Saturday. It was a little chilly and rainy but better than it being hotter than balls plus I got sent home with lots of leftovers. I don’t really recall what I did the rest of the weekend but at some point, I reconnected my video doorbell to my network. Small victories, these days. Welp, it’s after midnight so I should probably try to get some sleep. I’ll do better next month.

I want Xander back. 

When’s the next mass shooting?

I want Xander back.

I want Xander back.