I want a do-over.

Do you ever just stop what your doing and wonder what the hell you're doing and how you got to that point. I do. All the time. I don't know why I made the choices I have and where I'm going to end up. All I know is that I'm depressed and angry and it's become more than I can fix on my own. All I do is self-loath, focus on the negative things in this world and it leaves almost no room for anything else. I am not happy and I feel like I never will be. In one of many episodes I've watched multiple times, Daria claims her motto is life sucks and then you die. That is what I believe now. I don't really have faith in anything else. Other than myself, I trust very few people. I often think about when my time will be...sometimes I wish it could be sooner than later. Am I going to die in my sleep when I'm 106? Or will I be killed in an accident tomorrow? Who knows. Some say live life like it's your last day on this planet. Yeah that's a steaming pile of shit. If I did that, I wouldn't be typing this. I sure as fuck wouldn't be going to work tomorrow. Anyways, therapy it is. I can't live like this anymore. I guess it's not enough to have a job I no longer despise...then again I don't love going to this one. Now I suppose I will shell out cash that I make working to pay someone to attempt to make me happy with the fact I have to work...among other joys of existing. How many times can one say "I suck at life?" I'm going for the record.

Memorial Day weekend. Where I left off. Cookout at Heather and Dave's Sunday. Monday, Dayna and I christened my grill with steak and turkey tips. Delicious. Thankfully my neighbor across the road was home because I was too nervous to hook up the propane tank. The rest of the evening was spent assembling my deck table and chairs.

The last weekend in May ended up being really fun and I'm glad I decided to drive to Boston after vacillating for hours. Lupo came up to Boston from NOLA to celebrate Roland's new job in LA before he and Krista move there. I drove to their apartment (with a few bumps along the way) and we hung out for a bit, pregamed, and grabbed an uber to what ended up being a classy steakhouse. The evening turned into a partial birthday celebration for me and celebrate we did. The bill ended being insane (I had a $70 steak) after all was said and done...drinks, appetizers, dinner, dessert. I tried oysters and caviar for the first time, among other delicious things...shrimp, lobster tail, side dishes. Coconut cake with a birthday candle. We went to a bar after to continue drinking and we all ended up quite inebriated. More beer at home and the guitar came out. A little sleep eventually then I had to get up super early to drive to Ctown for Maddy's first communion. Good times, good people. Gotta love a shower and nap in your own bed after a night of drinking. Thankfully, my muffler didn't completely fall off my car on the way home and Asetex was able to fix it the next day when they put my summer tires on.

Chelsie was in town so a group on us had dinner with her at the Common Man on the 3rd. It's always nice seeing her and I'm glad I was able to this time. My birthday weekend was pretty low key...just the way I wanted. We had a cook out on my actual bday, complete with ice cream cake. I had a physical the following day and had some blood work drawn later that week. Everything was ok except my iron and Vit D were a little on the low side...no big deal. Easy fix. My TSH level is on the higher end of normal so she decided to suggest trying a low dose of synthroid in light of me being symptomatic as well (tired). I filled it and picked it up but I don't really want to start taking medication. It's all downhill from here.

Boston again. Brandi, Kelly and I met for a weekend in Boston on the 13th. We arrived at the hotel early, did some chatting then made our way to Fenway for lunch. Game at 130. They lost to Toronto all weekend but luckily we saw the best game. They lost by one in the 11th inning. We meandered our way to the north end via the T (with a pit stop at Starbucks) to find some delicious authentic Italian. Kelly ended up knowing one of the hostesses at the restaurant we decided on (she works with her mom) so she hooked us up with complimentary champagne and appetizers. We shared 3 different pasta dishes and grabbed delicious things at Mike's pastries before going back to the hotel. We went to Wahlburger's for lunch before heading home the next day and we ended up sitting at the table next to where Mark Wahlburg's childhood best friend was sitting (some dude named Taco).

Last Friday night, Dayna and I went to CJ's in Quechee to see Desimone's band play. Good crowd and music. Conniption Fits at Salt Hill, 1 am breakfast at the Fort. Saturday, I drove over to Cavendish to see Granny. We played Phase 10 with Cora and dined on apps, cocktails, chicken cacciatore, stuffed zucchini, cake and ice cream. YUM. I got up and did Skip's Run the next morning (my 10 min miles are now 11 mins...sad). My first organized run since the 2013 Sunapee Turkey Trot I think. My running has been ok. I'm trying to keep up with the training schedule but I haven't been able to for a few reasons. I'm setting myself back a week and starting over tomorrow. Trying to stick to my "diet" during the week. The fam had lunch at Gusanoz for father's day and Dave's birthday. We all hung out at my house after for cake and ice cream. Jeff, Dayna and I went to trivia and had a team with some of her friends from APD.

I found myself at Jesse's after work twice this week; Tues was cath lab appreciation night and Thurs was Kantor's farewell party (going to New London). I felt pretty mentally crappy this week and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm doing too much, not getting enough sleep and not focusing on the things I should be doing. I needed to hang out and be alone this weekend and that is pretty much what I did (with the exception of dinner and Jurassic World with Jeff and Dayna Sat night). I needed it (stayed in bed til 1 both days and got some quality time with my kitty). I'm not sure if I feel any better...especially since I really didn't accomplish much; no running, studying, gardening, and my house is still filthy. Oh well. And I wonder why I suck at life. I feel stupid and discouraged at work even though I'm being told I'm ahead of the curve. I'm sensitive to jerks and I beat myself up for not being proficient yesterday. Maybe this shrink can give me an attitude transplant. In the meantime, I'll have to take up kickboxing and envision beating the shit out of certain people.

I have to keep reminding myself it's the best time of the year...